My brief return to public school
So I thought, when I found that I was going to have to go back to work and a job immediately presented itself, that it was meant to be. I had been blogging about mindfulness in the classroom and suddenly, the opportunity to return to teaching in the public schools, after decades of not, came along.The timing was just too perfect and I'm a sucker for woo woo stuff like fate and destiny and spirit.
I thought I was being called to help kids cope better and learn. I thought I was going to save the world! I was so smart! I was going to create a mindful classroom just by going in and telling everyone to be kind to each other.
Two days after I started, I began to realize that I was there to learn a lesson of some sort and it wasn't going to be pretty.
And that is indeed what happened. One day, despite trying to build my defenses against such an occurrence, a student got in my face and screamed at me that I couldn't touch him. I don't know what happened. I snapped and started yelling back at him. I did not handle myself well. And another student caught it all on his cell phone!
I cannot tell you how mortified I was. I knew then and there that I would have to quit. I had absolutely no defenses if the parent of that kid decided to do something about my behavior. I had only lasted two weeks, two long long long weeks. Every day of those two weeks had been a lesson in defeat.
Lesson learned?
It's been a little while since I quit and I'm still hurting from the experience, mostly ego-wise. Maybe I'm just not the teacher I thought I was. Now I'm starting to look at it as, what did I learn and where do I go with what I learned? It wasn't until I read comments from Facebook friends on this discussion that I started to understand the message.
Some friends showed support by commenting on kids these days and the fact that many don't have manners. Parents don't raise their kids to be respectful. That is true to an extent, I think. Some said the school district has problems overall.
Others pointed out that many kids grow up with trauma and tragedy and it is reflected in their behavior. Teachers care about these kids and are there to help them.That is when I felt a little guilt. Why didn't I feel the need to stay in the schools to help these kids? Why wasn't I up to the sacrifice? I care. This was bothering me for days so I thought on it, dreamt on it.
This is what I came up with -- If I thought that the only way to learn was through our public school system, I would be that teacher who sacrifices her time and money and cries her way home from the classroom each day, hoping the next day won't be so heart breaking. I could see the need for me to be there.
But I think we need to drop a system that doesn't work and look at alternatives, and make it about learning, not education, politics, competition, and money.
I've decided that moving forward for me means that I'm going to be a voice yelling for us to do it differently and kindly.
I'm going to write my heart out in support of learning and community. The word "test" will never leave these lips unless it's in protest! I will never compare schools and pit them against each other. I will celebrate the unique and creative. I will encourage learning toward a better life.
My success will be measured by how many kids, parents, families, communities, I can influence to learn in healthier, kinder ways.
I hope you will join me in the discussion that will hopefully lead to positive things in New Mexico communities. Maybe the discussion will lead to action -- the creation of community-designed learning hubs.
Please comment! Let's start this discussion. Wishing you a beautiful and kind New Mexico day.
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